Tony Robbins say's 'No matter what else you accomplish in your life, if you're not happy in your most intimate relationship, you're not going to be happy. Those we love give us our biggest challenges—and greatest opportunities—to grow.'
Tony Robbins used to run a 3 day program called 'Unlimited Power' and a particularly powerful exercise in this program was called "Love Strategies."
The core concept behind the exercise is that all of us desperately want to feel loved, yet we all have different "strategies" for what it takes to actually feel totally and completely loved.
As you may also know, Tony's original work flowed from the science of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) which teaches that there are three primary modes of communication we all use:
1. Visual (what we see)
2. Auditory (what we hear)
3. Kinesthetic (what we feel)
In the Unlimited Power program, delegates were taught that Love Strategies flow along the lines of those three modes of communication too. Some people have Visual strategies for feeling loved, some have Auditory strategies, and others have Kinesthetic strategies.
What is ment by that? It breaks down like this:
Visual Love Strategy
People who have this strategy need to "see" that you love them. Seeing it takes the form of receiving flowers or gifts, unexpected thoughtful acts (like a special romantic evening or getaway, a massage, a day of pampering, etc.). People with this strategy need to see "evidence" or "proof."
Auditory Love Strategy
People with this strategy need to hear the words "I love you" (or similar words) to feel totally and completely loved.
Kinesthetic Love Strategy
People with this strategy need to be touched in certain ways or in certain places to feel totally and completely loved. It might be massaging the scalp a certain way, kissing a certain spot under the neck, rubbing an ear just so, etc. It should be noted that this strategy rarely if ever involves touch of a sexual nature.
During the Unlimited Power program, delegates were also taught that if you don't know what your significant other's Love Strategy is, and if you don't use it on a regular basis, they'll never feel totally and completely loved by you, no matter how many times you use another strategy. And ultimately, that's not
good for a relationship.
It is important to remember that we all like being "told" we're loved using all 3 strategies, but we all have one that's our preferred mode, one mode that really "does it" for us and has the most powerful impact.
Here are a few guidelines you can use to determine your Love Strategy and the Strategy of your significant other. The guidelines should be used by both partners, even though I word them below just from your perspective:
1) Ask your partner the following question, using these exact words: "In order to feel totally and completely loved, do you need to hear the words, 'I love you?'"
If you get a no, repeat the question with the next Strategy:
"In order to feel totally and completely loved, do you need to be touched in a certain way?"
If you get a no, repeat the question with the third Strategy:
"In order to feel totally and completely loved, do you need to see it through actions?"
In each case, ask your partner to say yes or no and tell you the answer that first pops into their mind. No thinking or analyzing. Then test it. If they said they need to hear it, experiment with telling them in the weeks that follow and notice the impact it has. The same goes for the other strategies. The trickiest one is the Kinesthetic Strategy since you'll need to dialog and experiment to find the special spot and the special way to touch it. Sometimes your partner knows and can tell you, and sometimes you have to experiment until you find it. If you don't discover the Strategy using this method, try repeating the questions at another time when you're both more relaxed and focused, or go on to the following options to discover the Strategy, or to look for the clues that'll lead you to the Strategy.
2) Ask your partner: "What do you desire from me above all else?" This may lead directly to the Strategy - or provide great clues.
3) Ask yourself: "What have I most often requested from my partner?" This may lead directly to the Strategy - or provide great clues.
4) Ask your partner: "What have I most often noticed as missing in my relationship?" This may lead directly to the Strategy - or provide great clues.
5) Ask your partner: "What does my partner do that hurts me most deeply?" Sometimes, what causes a hurt like that gives a major clue to the Love Strategy too, since it's may be the opposite of the Strategy.
Take the time to discover your Love Strategy today, and that of your partner. I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes in your relationship and in your own emotional "quality of life."
As qualified life coaches and NLP practitioners we could help you today to understand how to feel totally and completely loved. Contact us today to find out more or to receive a free chemistry session with one of our coaches. Call us on 0208 590 7844 or email love@positivechangeconsultancy.com.
Relationships are always a two-way street. Up front you have to describe the kind of person you'd have to be to keep a partner with the qualities you want.
- Anthony Robbins
